Are you tired of trying to fix your marriage and seeing little or no results?
Are you making every effort possible but it seems like you're just beating your head against the wall?
Maybe you're missing something.
Pornography is a taboo topic among many Christians and the devil can use that to push you into isolation.
You may feel too embarrassed to seek help because the enemy of your soul has made you believe a lie and accept false shame. But God will never forsake you.
The child of God was not designed to ever go through this life alone.
Trying to repair a spiritual union (Christian marriage) requires spiritual warfare. Are you entering the battlefield with all your armor on but failing to communicate with the general? God is the ultimate marriage counselor and has plenty to say to you about your current situation.
You cannot expect to escape discouragement or despair if you do not call upon God for help. If God seems like a stranger to you, it's not His fault. You cannot know Him without devoted times of communication with Him. You must pursue a deeper relationship with Him in order to know His will for you and gain the wisdom you need for decisions you must make. He will give you understanding, and increase your faith to strengthen you for the trials you face.
You cut yourself off from God's power when you neglect to pray. Your spiritual senses are dulled when you ignore your relationship with God and you will suffer the consequences of not understanding His principles when you read His Word or sense His presence in your life when you need Him most.
The enemy will whisper all sorts of reasons why praying is pointless. Do not mistake your imperfect effort as an unfulfilled request by God. It is easy to think something did or did not occur because you did not pray enough or in the proper way. Prayer in and of itself is not where the power lies. The power is of God, and if He did not answer prayer unless we got it just right, our works would be the measure of His faithfulness, rather than His mercy and grace.
You are not alone in the battle.
But if you feel alone, you are to blame.
Jesus invites you to run to Him and He promises to comfort your soul. The Scriptures provide everything you need to light your path and guide your steps.
Praying is not an extra duty to tack onto your schedule.
Prayer is essential to life!
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Tuesday, 16 October 2012
How Can I Show Husband That I've Changed In Order To Save My Marriage
I sometimes hear from wives who feel as if they were forced to change for good after their husband left them. Often, they were fully aware that the only way to have any chance of him coming back was to authentically change in order to remove the obstacles that were standing in the way of a happy marriage.
I heard from a wife who said: "I believe that my husband left me for multiple reasons. But the biggest reason is that he thinks I am too immature. I am a lot younger than him. At first, I don't think that this bothered him at all. However as time went on, he began to believe that we didn't have that much in common because I didn't take life seriously enough. I think he began to see me as a party girl who only thought about having a good time with my friends while he took on all of the responsibilities. As a result, we fought all the time about money and I would poke fun at him for acting like my father. Looking back now, I see that I was totally out of line, but it wasn't obvious to me back then. My husband has been gone for about five weeks. Since that time, I have enrolled in college. I have stopped going out all of the time. I have cut back on silly spending. I realize that for us to have a complete life together, then we both have to contribute equally to that life. I called my husband the other night and told him what I had done and how much I felt that I had changed. I could hear the doubt in his voice and then he quickly changed the subject. Clearly, he doesn't even begin to believe me. Short of bringing the college receipts over to his house, how can I prove to him that I have really and completely changed so that he will want to come back home?"
The wife had made a decent start, but what she didn't realize was that because she had wavered many times before when her husband complained about her behavior, he naturally had his doubts of how genuine the changes were this time. And like many men who have initiated a separation, he was leery of any promises that were meant as a pretty blatant attempt to get him to come home. The fear of course is that once he returns home, the wife will quit college and will go back to her partying ways.
So the wife had to understand that she likely had many doubts to overcome and this was going to take some time. In the meantime though, there was some things that she could do to help her cause. I will share some of them below.
Don't Keep Dwelling On The Changes. Let Them Show Themselves Naturally:
If you bring up the new you every chance you get, your husband is likely to think that you are only putting on a display for his benefit. You run the risk of looking a bit fake. So. know that telling him of what you have done once is enough. If he has questions, he will ask. Resist the urge to keep working your new life into every conversation. He will be much more likely to believe you if he gradually sees the changes for himself.
Make Sure That Any Change You Make Is Something That You Can Maintain:
I don't want to sound insensitive, but I dialog with many husbands in this situation on my blog. Many of them are just waiting for you to show your true colors. In fact, many of them will even test you to see if they can get you to slip up and resort back to your old ways. (And if you do, you are going to have a very hard time getting him to believe you again.) So you need to make absolutely sure that any change you attempt is going to be something that you can maintain even under pressure and even under temptation. If this wife was going to claim that she would stop partying and head to college, then she needed to make absolutely sure that she was willing to do just that for a life time. Because if the husband was so upset about her lifestyle that he was willing to leave her, then he wasn't going to suddenly find her lifestyle acceptable when she resorted back to it later.
Have Confidence And Give Off The Impression That You Don't Need To Prove Anything:
Often, when you become frustrated and want to "prove" something, your tone or the air that you give off almost has a sense of desperation to it and this makes people suspicious of your motives and your sincerity. You are much better off displaying confidence. You want to state your case and then give off the impression that he is going to believe you over time because he will see for himself. There is no need to prove anything or to "make" him believe you. Because after he sees you doing exactly what you say, then he will no longer be able to deny it.
Whether this will be enough to lure him back home isn't for me to determine, but it is most certainly a good start. Any time you can remove an obstacle that is so important to your spouse that it is standing in your way of remaining married, then it is worth doing.
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I heard from a wife who said: "I believe that my husband left me for multiple reasons. But the biggest reason is that he thinks I am too immature. I am a lot younger than him. At first, I don't think that this bothered him at all. However as time went on, he began to believe that we didn't have that much in common because I didn't take life seriously enough. I think he began to see me as a party girl who only thought about having a good time with my friends while he took on all of the responsibilities. As a result, we fought all the time about money and I would poke fun at him for acting like my father. Looking back now, I see that I was totally out of line, but it wasn't obvious to me back then. My husband has been gone for about five weeks. Since that time, I have enrolled in college. I have stopped going out all of the time. I have cut back on silly spending. I realize that for us to have a complete life together, then we both have to contribute equally to that life. I called my husband the other night and told him what I had done and how much I felt that I had changed. I could hear the doubt in his voice and then he quickly changed the subject. Clearly, he doesn't even begin to believe me. Short of bringing the college receipts over to his house, how can I prove to him that I have really and completely changed so that he will want to come back home?"
The wife had made a decent start, but what she didn't realize was that because she had wavered many times before when her husband complained about her behavior, he naturally had his doubts of how genuine the changes were this time. And like many men who have initiated a separation, he was leery of any promises that were meant as a pretty blatant attempt to get him to come home. The fear of course is that once he returns home, the wife will quit college and will go back to her partying ways.
So the wife had to understand that she likely had many doubts to overcome and this was going to take some time. In the meantime though, there was some things that she could do to help her cause. I will share some of them below.
Don't Keep Dwelling On The Changes. Let Them Show Themselves Naturally:
If you bring up the new you every chance you get, your husband is likely to think that you are only putting on a display for his benefit. You run the risk of looking a bit fake. So. know that telling him of what you have done once is enough. If he has questions, he will ask. Resist the urge to keep working your new life into every conversation. He will be much more likely to believe you if he gradually sees the changes for himself.
Make Sure That Any Change You Make Is Something That You Can Maintain:
I don't want to sound insensitive, but I dialog with many husbands in this situation on my blog. Many of them are just waiting for you to show your true colors. In fact, many of them will even test you to see if they can get you to slip up and resort back to your old ways. (And if you do, you are going to have a very hard time getting him to believe you again.) So you need to make absolutely sure that any change you attempt is going to be something that you can maintain even under pressure and even under temptation. If this wife was going to claim that she would stop partying and head to college, then she needed to make absolutely sure that she was willing to do just that for a life time. Because if the husband was so upset about her lifestyle that he was willing to leave her, then he wasn't going to suddenly find her lifestyle acceptable when she resorted back to it later.
Have Confidence And Give Off The Impression That You Don't Need To Prove Anything:
Often, when you become frustrated and want to "prove" something, your tone or the air that you give off almost has a sense of desperation to it and this makes people suspicious of your motives and your sincerity. You are much better off displaying confidence. You want to state your case and then give off the impression that he is going to believe you over time because he will see for himself. There is no need to prove anything or to "make" him believe you. Because after he sees you doing exactly what you say, then he will no longer be able to deny it.
Whether this will be enough to lure him back home isn't for me to determine, but it is most certainly a good start. Any time you can remove an obstacle that is so important to your spouse that it is standing in your way of remaining married, then it is worth doing.
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Cherish Her: She Is God's Special Gift To You
"Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave." -
Martin Luther
Women are God's special creatures. They play a very important role in God's agenda. When a man is blessed with a wonderful woman as wife, you should be thankful and do everything within your power to cherish her. The scriptures say "who can find a virtuous woman? Her price is far above rubies... " It takes searching for you to find her, they don't fall from the sky and when you do get her, then, you have someone whose price is worth more than the most precious gemstone. You may not know the value of whom God has blessed you with until you see the pain another man goes through for marrying the wrong person. You come back home to the warm embrace of your wife; your neighbor comes home to meet a woman waiting to nag him to pieces. You come home to a well 'home-cooked' meal but not your neighbor; he's got to fight for every meal he gets and you think you are not blessed? You've been with same woman for 5, 10, 15 or more years. The other guy isn't that lucky: he's had to cope with 3 marriages over the same period and even contemplating the fourth and you think you are not blessed? There is yet so much your wife can do but you have a role to play. When you fail to water a plant, it will wilt with time. Women are like such plants, when you fail to 'water' them you might lose them. Although you might remain married, but you will cease to enjoy your marriage. It is of essence that you recognize and meet the needs of your wife. Examine some tips with me:
She Needs Affection and Kindness: Do you love your wife or you just see her as a piece of commodity? You cannot treat your wife more than the value you place on her. Are you thankful for whatever she does in the house or you think 'she is simply doing her job?' Be kind and affectionate towards her. Give her a kiss when she is not expecting it. Sweep her off her feet when she is off guard. An unexpected hug will make a glow. Speak softly to her and pamper her. Let her know how much you appreciate all she is doing.
Give helping hand with the kids and house chores: How we need to learn from the eagle. Both father and mother eagle share in the responsibility of raising the eaglet. Likewise, it is the joint responsibility of both parents to raise their kids. Most of the time the women spend more time with the kids and this is a full-time job on its own. Decide to help out; let her take some time off while you hang around with the kids. You can help do the dishes sometimes and you will see how she will 'melt' in your arms when you come calling. Avoid being bossy. She is your wife and not your house-maid.
Be ready to communicate: I have observed that women are always excited to share about their daily experience with their spouse, at least, from my experience. Don't shut her down because you've had a bad day at work, rather, be willing to listen and share your own experience with her as well. Your communication should not just end with the children, your job or just the serious issues at home. Find a way to spice it up. Get informal and cozy when you talk. Make it a no hold barred conversation
Daily affirm your love for her: Women love when you affirm your love for them. Give her a call from work just to let her know how much you love and appreciate her. Even when you are at home, call from the room and let her know you love her to bits. Utilize every little opportunity you have to express and affirm your love to her. Get her gifts from time to time; she would appreciate you for this. Develop your own unique style of love affirmation.
Don't hesitate to forgive: No relationship can thrive without forgiveness. Never run out of credit in your forgiveness account. You will always need it. There are times when your wife will offend you or when she may be difficult to get along with. This is not a time to rail at her rather show some understanding. Forgive even before she request for it and you'll see how your marriage will grow stronger as a result.
Take care of your body: Many men are known for not taking proper care of themselves. Personal hygiene is very important to your wife. The reason why your wife may feel a little bit withdrawn could be because you do not take good care of your body. Your wife will always find an excuse not to kiss you because of the terrible mouth odor and she may not be comfortable telling you this all the time. Do something about it, she wants much more than what you are offering her. If the reason is health related seek out medical help. Keep yourself fit. You may decide on an exercise routine with your wife. Always think about your wife and family when it comes to doing something that will adversely affect your health.
Be sensitive to her spiritual and emotional needs: Be your wife's number one counselor. Emotions may run riot within her sometimes, this is understandable.Rather than speak harshly to her, be the shoulder she can lean on. Encourage and support her to be the very best that she can be. Your wife may never rise above the support you give to her. This is why some marriages end in divorce. Don't just be a physical covering over your wife, be an encouragement to her spiritually as well.
I see your marriage moving on to the next level. You will celebrate many years together in love and peace in Jesus name. God bless you big.
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Martin Luther
Women are God's special creatures. They play a very important role in God's agenda. When a man is blessed with a wonderful woman as wife, you should be thankful and do everything within your power to cherish her. The scriptures say "who can find a virtuous woman? Her price is far above rubies... " It takes searching for you to find her, they don't fall from the sky and when you do get her, then, you have someone whose price is worth more than the most precious gemstone. You may not know the value of whom God has blessed you with until you see the pain another man goes through for marrying the wrong person. You come back home to the warm embrace of your wife; your neighbor comes home to meet a woman waiting to nag him to pieces. You come home to a well 'home-cooked' meal but not your neighbor; he's got to fight for every meal he gets and you think you are not blessed? You've been with same woman for 5, 10, 15 or more years. The other guy isn't that lucky: he's had to cope with 3 marriages over the same period and even contemplating the fourth and you think you are not blessed? There is yet so much your wife can do but you have a role to play. When you fail to water a plant, it will wilt with time. Women are like such plants, when you fail to 'water' them you might lose them. Although you might remain married, but you will cease to enjoy your marriage. It is of essence that you recognize and meet the needs of your wife. Examine some tips with me:
She Needs Affection and Kindness: Do you love your wife or you just see her as a piece of commodity? You cannot treat your wife more than the value you place on her. Are you thankful for whatever she does in the house or you think 'she is simply doing her job?' Be kind and affectionate towards her. Give her a kiss when she is not expecting it. Sweep her off her feet when she is off guard. An unexpected hug will make a glow. Speak softly to her and pamper her. Let her know how much you appreciate all she is doing.
Give helping hand with the kids and house chores: How we need to learn from the eagle. Both father and mother eagle share in the responsibility of raising the eaglet. Likewise, it is the joint responsibility of both parents to raise their kids. Most of the time the women spend more time with the kids and this is a full-time job on its own. Decide to help out; let her take some time off while you hang around with the kids. You can help do the dishes sometimes and you will see how she will 'melt' in your arms when you come calling. Avoid being bossy. She is your wife and not your house-maid.
Be ready to communicate: I have observed that women are always excited to share about their daily experience with their spouse, at least, from my experience. Don't shut her down because you've had a bad day at work, rather, be willing to listen and share your own experience with her as well. Your communication should not just end with the children, your job or just the serious issues at home. Find a way to spice it up. Get informal and cozy when you talk. Make it a no hold barred conversation
Daily affirm your love for her: Women love when you affirm your love for them. Give her a call from work just to let her know how much you love and appreciate her. Even when you are at home, call from the room and let her know you love her to bits. Utilize every little opportunity you have to express and affirm your love to her. Get her gifts from time to time; she would appreciate you for this. Develop your own unique style of love affirmation.
Don't hesitate to forgive: No relationship can thrive without forgiveness. Never run out of credit in your forgiveness account. You will always need it. There are times when your wife will offend you or when she may be difficult to get along with. This is not a time to rail at her rather show some understanding. Forgive even before she request for it and you'll see how your marriage will grow stronger as a result.
Take care of your body: Many men are known for not taking proper care of themselves. Personal hygiene is very important to your wife. The reason why your wife may feel a little bit withdrawn could be because you do not take good care of your body. Your wife will always find an excuse not to kiss you because of the terrible mouth odor and she may not be comfortable telling you this all the time. Do something about it, she wants much more than what you are offering her. If the reason is health related seek out medical help. Keep yourself fit. You may decide on an exercise routine with your wife. Always think about your wife and family when it comes to doing something that will adversely affect your health.
Be sensitive to her spiritual and emotional needs: Be your wife's number one counselor. Emotions may run riot within her sometimes, this is understandable.Rather than speak harshly to her, be the shoulder she can lean on. Encourage and support her to be the very best that she can be. Your wife may never rise above the support you give to her. This is why some marriages end in divorce. Don't just be a physical covering over your wife, be an encouragement to her spiritually as well.
I see your marriage moving on to the next level. You will celebrate many years together in love and peace in Jesus name. God bless you big.
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I'm Afraid That My Husband Will Divorce Me So Quickly That I Can't Save Our Marriage
I often hear from women who are wondering how long they truly have to change their husband's mind about the divorce that he has recently filed. Often, they want to know how long it takes for a divorce to become final so that they will know how long they have to carry out any reconciliation plan.
I heard from a wife who said: "my husband filed for divorce two days ago. We were separated for a while and things actually seemed to be getting better between us. That's why I'm shocked that he filed. When I asked him about it, he said that it was a very hard decision but that he was just doing what he thought was best. He didn't really want to elaborate at all so I'm not sure if he's going to try to get a finalized divorce very quickly or if he will drag his feet because he still isn't sure. I'm a bit panicked thinking that I might have only mere weeks to save my marriage. But then I think that perhaps my panic is leading me to think that things are worse than they actually are. How can I tell if he's going to be moving quickly on this? So far, I only have the initial filing."
I am certainly not an attorney or fit to offer legal advice. And I won't be doing that in this article. I can tell you that this varies from state to state so any attorney in your particular state can outline a typical time frame.
However, I know from experience that feeling panic is actually a detriment to saving your marriage. The reason for this is that when you are desperate you act in ways that are more likely to make your husband want the divorce to become final more quickly instead of changing his mind. So as rushed as you may feel, try your very best not to panic because this can cause you to lose control of your emotions and now is the time that you need to be firmly in control.
Know That Your Husband (And Not Anyone Else) Will Generally Set The Time Frame:
I am speaking very generally here, but many times, people who want to move very quickly on their divorce have a lot of anger at their spouse. Something very explosive or disturbing has happened to make the divorcing spouse want the other out of their lives as soon as is possible. That didn't appear to be the case here.
Of course, your husband's attorney will likely want to get right to work and to move forward. But generally speaking, your husband is the one who will set the pace. In other words, if your husband begins to have doubts and wants to slow or halt the process, he can always tell the attorney to pause or to wait. After all, the attorney works for your husband and everything is done at your husband's directive.
My point is that if you can change your husband's mind or cause him to waiver, then he does have the ability to slow down or even halt the process. I have seen this happen many times. I've even seen more than a few couples divorce and eventually reconcile later. So although I know you probably feel very pressured, know that even if the worst seemingly happens, people can and do change their mind. It's my opinion and experience that as long as both spouses are still alive, there is always a chance that all is not lost.
Know That "Fighting" Your Husband On The Divorce Isn't A Strategy With A High Success Rate:
Many wives figure that if their husband plans to move quickly, their best strategy is to "fight" him on the divorce or to be very contentious. When you consider your long term strategy, this doesn't make a lot of sense. If your whole goal is to make him not want to divorce you so that you can remain married and will reconcile, then fighting with him isn't likely to help you much. Sure, you may put a wrench in his plans, but when the divorce is final (even if this takes a little longer) than you may well dislike one another very much, making a reconciliation next to impossible.
The other alternative is share any reconciliation strategy with your own attorney with the directive to cooperate but to not work at the most speedy pace so that each phase takes a good amount of time. Because if you appear to be cooperating, this will mean that you have a better chance of continuing to have access with your husband and of continuing to get a long well. You are going to need both things in order to have the best chance at a reconciliation.
So to answer the question posed, I really couldn't predict this husband's time frame. The fact that the couple were still interacting in positive ways was a good sign and I felt that the wife was right to resist panicking. I believe that the best strategy is appearing to cooperate while maintaining as much control as you can. You want to maintain access to your husband so that you can still talk and meet regularly in the hopes that you can steadily improve your relationship until it reaches the point where you husband no longer wants to pursue a divorce.
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I heard from a wife who said: "my husband filed for divorce two days ago. We were separated for a while and things actually seemed to be getting better between us. That's why I'm shocked that he filed. When I asked him about it, he said that it was a very hard decision but that he was just doing what he thought was best. He didn't really want to elaborate at all so I'm not sure if he's going to try to get a finalized divorce very quickly or if he will drag his feet because he still isn't sure. I'm a bit panicked thinking that I might have only mere weeks to save my marriage. But then I think that perhaps my panic is leading me to think that things are worse than they actually are. How can I tell if he's going to be moving quickly on this? So far, I only have the initial filing."
I am certainly not an attorney or fit to offer legal advice. And I won't be doing that in this article. I can tell you that this varies from state to state so any attorney in your particular state can outline a typical time frame.
However, I know from experience that feeling panic is actually a detriment to saving your marriage. The reason for this is that when you are desperate you act in ways that are more likely to make your husband want the divorce to become final more quickly instead of changing his mind. So as rushed as you may feel, try your very best not to panic because this can cause you to lose control of your emotions and now is the time that you need to be firmly in control.
Know That Your Husband (And Not Anyone Else) Will Generally Set The Time Frame:
I am speaking very generally here, but many times, people who want to move very quickly on their divorce have a lot of anger at their spouse. Something very explosive or disturbing has happened to make the divorcing spouse want the other out of their lives as soon as is possible. That didn't appear to be the case here.
Of course, your husband's attorney will likely want to get right to work and to move forward. But generally speaking, your husband is the one who will set the pace. In other words, if your husband begins to have doubts and wants to slow or halt the process, he can always tell the attorney to pause or to wait. After all, the attorney works for your husband and everything is done at your husband's directive.
My point is that if you can change your husband's mind or cause him to waiver, then he does have the ability to slow down or even halt the process. I have seen this happen many times. I've even seen more than a few couples divorce and eventually reconcile later. So although I know you probably feel very pressured, know that even if the worst seemingly happens, people can and do change their mind. It's my opinion and experience that as long as both spouses are still alive, there is always a chance that all is not lost.
Know That "Fighting" Your Husband On The Divorce Isn't A Strategy With A High Success Rate:
Many wives figure that if their husband plans to move quickly, their best strategy is to "fight" him on the divorce or to be very contentious. When you consider your long term strategy, this doesn't make a lot of sense. If your whole goal is to make him not want to divorce you so that you can remain married and will reconcile, then fighting with him isn't likely to help you much. Sure, you may put a wrench in his plans, but when the divorce is final (even if this takes a little longer) than you may well dislike one another very much, making a reconciliation next to impossible.
The other alternative is share any reconciliation strategy with your own attorney with the directive to cooperate but to not work at the most speedy pace so that each phase takes a good amount of time. Because if you appear to be cooperating, this will mean that you have a better chance of continuing to have access with your husband and of continuing to get a long well. You are going to need both things in order to have the best chance at a reconciliation.
So to answer the question posed, I really couldn't predict this husband's time frame. The fact that the couple were still interacting in positive ways was a good sign and I felt that the wife was right to resist panicking. I believe that the best strategy is appearing to cooperate while maintaining as much control as you can. You want to maintain access to your husband so that you can still talk and meet regularly in the hopes that you can steadily improve your relationship until it reaches the point where you husband no longer wants to pursue a divorce.
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How Can We Hope To Live Happily Ever After?
A Jane Austin novel seems to end at the altar as if the wedding were all that is necessary for future bliss. Yet these days a lot of marriages seem to finish up on the scrap heap and you might have a sneaky feeling that perhaps a well-known film star was right in her opinion.
"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."
(Katherine Hepburn)
So is achieving a happy marriage simply a matter of selecting the right mate in the first place, or is it about finding a successful formula for living together? Or perhaps you think it is all to do with good luck?
Experience of happy couples Rather than study just failed relationships, several psychological researchers have actually looked at successful marriages. For example the late Judith Wallerstein, reported in her book The good marriage: How and why love lasts
, that happily married men and women both tend to report the same basic experiences.
We worked it out. To love, you must feel emotionally safe - totally accepted, respected, and supported. Therefore, we don't criticize or strike out in anger, instead we gently request a change."
"We do so much together and agree on most issues, but we have a clear sense of self and do things by ourselves"
"We cherish our time together
, expressing our appreciation of each other for little acts of kindness as well as major sacrifices. We treasure our memories and frequently remind each other of the good times."
This is only a glimpse of what some contented partners have known.
Mature love Clearly a lasting relationship is something more than mere sexual pleasure, romantic sentiment, or emotional infatuation.
"You can tell that it's infatuation when you think that he's as sexy as Paul Newman, as athletic as Pete Rose, as selfless and dedicated as Ralph Nader, as smart as John Kenneth Galbraith and as funny as Don Rickles. You can be reasonably sure that it's love when you realize he's actually about as sexy as Don Rickles, as athletic as Ralph Nader, as smart as Pete Rose, as funny as John Kenneth Galbraith and doesn't resemble Paul Newman in any way - but you'll stick with him anyway."
(Judith Viorst)
Immature love has been called trying to fill loneliness or an emotional vacuum with a love relationship. Some psychotherapists have written about immature love saying it follows the principle "I love because I am loved"
and " I love you because I need you." On the other hand they say that mature love, its opposite, follows the principle "I am loved because I love," and "I need you because I love you."
Not surprisingly, mature love is said to imply concern for the partner's emotional and bodily needs, respect for their uniqueness, seeing them as they really are and helping them to grow and unfold in their own ways, for their own sake and not for serving oneself. We are told it involves entering and become familiar with the private world of the lover, to live in the other person's life and sense his or her meanings and experiences.
Commitment Mature love involves commitment. But the issue of commitment seems difficult to many. Importantly, there is commitment to the exclusive nature of the relationship. Infidelity is a 'no no.' In line with the teachings of the world's major religions, illicit sex and unchaste thoughts are to be avoided.
"Over time, any deception destroys intimacy, and without intimacy couples cannot have true and lasting love."
(Bonnie Eaker Weil).
An affair is a betrayal of the trust that has been shared in marriage that is extremely hurtful to the innocent partner.
Neither can a lack of commitment to work on the relationship be seen as good news. There are bound to be problems in any sexual union and so if one gives up easily one could end up living with several partners without giving any of them a proper chance.
"Patience gives your spouse permission to be human. It understands that everyone fails. When a mistake is made, it chooses to give them more time that they deserve to correct it. It gives you the ability to hold on during the rough times in your relationship rather than bailing out under the pressure."
(Stephen Kendrick).
Origin of mature love So where does mature love come from? According to Emanuel Swedenborg it has a divine origin. This he calls 'conjugial love' which he says is a spiritual gift: it only flows into where it is wanted but when it flows it creates a deep sense of joy, contentment, and delight that lasts for ever. You might wonder whether this is the 'happy ever after' many have dreamed about?
Swedenborg maintains that if 'conjugial love 'is to be received it requires a man to be prepared to be influenced by his wife's subjective feelings of care and sensitivity to personal issues. He needs to listen to her practical wisdom. And it requires a woman to be willing to learn from her husband's objective and rational thinking. On the other hand,
"When a woman thinks her husband is a fool, her marriage is over. They may part in one year or ten; they may live together until death. But if she thinks he is a fool, she will not love him again."
(Philippa Gregory).
In other words lasting happiness requires a suitable love match where the two partners can progress together in their personal inner journey, being willing to prioritise each of their needs and humbly learn from each other by celebrating their different strengths.
Copyright 2012 Stephen Russell-Lacy
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"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."
(Katherine Hepburn)
So is achieving a happy marriage simply a matter of selecting the right mate in the first place, or is it about finding a successful formula for living together? Or perhaps you think it is all to do with good luck?
Experience of happy couples Rather than study just failed relationships, several psychological researchers have actually looked at successful marriages. For example the late Judith Wallerstein, reported in her book The good marriage: How and why love lasts
, that happily married men and women both tend to report the same basic experiences.
We worked it out. To love, you must feel emotionally safe - totally accepted, respected, and supported. Therefore, we don't criticize or strike out in anger, instead we gently request a change."
"We do so much together and agree on most issues, but we have a clear sense of self and do things by ourselves"
"We cherish our time together
, expressing our appreciation of each other for little acts of kindness as well as major sacrifices. We treasure our memories and frequently remind each other of the good times."
This is only a glimpse of what some contented partners have known.
Mature love Clearly a lasting relationship is something more than mere sexual pleasure, romantic sentiment, or emotional infatuation.
"You can tell that it's infatuation when you think that he's as sexy as Paul Newman, as athletic as Pete Rose, as selfless and dedicated as Ralph Nader, as smart as John Kenneth Galbraith and as funny as Don Rickles. You can be reasonably sure that it's love when you realize he's actually about as sexy as Don Rickles, as athletic as Ralph Nader, as smart as Pete Rose, as funny as John Kenneth Galbraith and doesn't resemble Paul Newman in any way - but you'll stick with him anyway."
(Judith Viorst)
Immature love has been called trying to fill loneliness or an emotional vacuum with a love relationship. Some psychotherapists have written about immature love saying it follows the principle "I love because I am loved"
and " I love you because I need you." On the other hand they say that mature love, its opposite, follows the principle "I am loved because I love," and "I need you because I love you."
Not surprisingly, mature love is said to imply concern for the partner's emotional and bodily needs, respect for their uniqueness, seeing them as they really are and helping them to grow and unfold in their own ways, for their own sake and not for serving oneself. We are told it involves entering and become familiar with the private world of the lover, to live in the other person's life and sense his or her meanings and experiences.
Commitment Mature love involves commitment. But the issue of commitment seems difficult to many. Importantly, there is commitment to the exclusive nature of the relationship. Infidelity is a 'no no.' In line with the teachings of the world's major religions, illicit sex and unchaste thoughts are to be avoided.
"Over time, any deception destroys intimacy, and without intimacy couples cannot have true and lasting love."
(Bonnie Eaker Weil).
An affair is a betrayal of the trust that has been shared in marriage that is extremely hurtful to the innocent partner.
Neither can a lack of commitment to work on the relationship be seen as good news. There are bound to be problems in any sexual union and so if one gives up easily one could end up living with several partners without giving any of them a proper chance.
"Patience gives your spouse permission to be human. It understands that everyone fails. When a mistake is made, it chooses to give them more time that they deserve to correct it. It gives you the ability to hold on during the rough times in your relationship rather than bailing out under the pressure."
(Stephen Kendrick).
Origin of mature love So where does mature love come from? According to Emanuel Swedenborg it has a divine origin. This he calls 'conjugial love' which he says is a spiritual gift: it only flows into where it is wanted but when it flows it creates a deep sense of joy, contentment, and delight that lasts for ever. You might wonder whether this is the 'happy ever after' many have dreamed about?
Swedenborg maintains that if 'conjugial love 'is to be received it requires a man to be prepared to be influenced by his wife's subjective feelings of care and sensitivity to personal issues. He needs to listen to her practical wisdom. And it requires a woman to be willing to learn from her husband's objective and rational thinking. On the other hand,
"When a woman thinks her husband is a fool, her marriage is over. They may part in one year or ten; they may live together until death. But if she thinks he is a fool, she will not love him again."
(Philippa Gregory).
In other words lasting happiness requires a suitable love match where the two partners can progress together in their personal inner journey, being willing to prioritise each of their needs and humbly learn from each other by celebrating their different strengths.
Copyright 2012 Stephen Russell-Lacy
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Monday, 15 October 2012
Looking for Romance? Here's What the Bible Says
Where do you find anything about romance in the Bible? You don't. Not anywhere.
Where do you look for romance or get your idea of romance?
• The world?
• Pride and Prejudice?
• Romance movies?
• Christian romance stories?
• Advertisements?
• Marriage retreats where you can have time to reconnect?
Now, I am not saying that any of these things are all bad, only that they are not where we want to get new ideas for our wish list from.
Let me tell you how Webster's dictionary defines romance.
It is a story "with matters that appeal to the imagination."
Being a "romantic" is defined as being foolish unpractical, and unrealistic. "It is characterized as having a preoccupation with love."
If you are looking for romance, you are looking for more than God planned for you; you're looking for something the world thinks is real, and not something God designed. As long as you keep looking, you will never be content.
Discontent is the breeding ground for restlessness, and restlessness leads us to begin looking at what our husbands don't have. Then it is easy to become bitter over what we "think" is missing, and we may even find ourselves looking elsewhere for what we think we are missing.
What if your husband is not content? Affairs are not commenced or responded positively to by a contented and satisfied man-and I'm not speaking of intimate fulfillment here.
Discontented men who are tempted to look elsewhere for happiness are usually ones who respond to how the other woman makes them feel. Neglect your man and his feelings and you may find the wicked truth: there is a woman out there who will take your place and make sure he feels like a desirable person.
Intimacy. You may have wondered, "Why intimacy?" The answer is from the Bible in three "-tions" starting with a P and three "-tions" starting start with an R.
1. Procreation - babies make the world go 'round. Genesis 1:28 commands us to "be fruitful and multiply." That command has not been rescinded.
2. Proclamation - picture of Christ and His church, each time a Christian husband and wife are intimate; it proclaims to Satan that God's plan of love will win in the end. A happily married couple united emotionally, spiritually, and sexually is one of the best antidotes to the evil of the world.
3. Protection - Intimacy is designed to be only within the commitment of marriage. In Proverbs 5:15 young men are told to steer clear of the sin of lust, "Drink water from your own cistern, and fresh water from your own well." I Corinthians 7:2-5 without a doubt shows us that intimacy within marriage is a protection to married people against temptation, "But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband... Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
4. Reconnection - The emotional, spiritual, and sexual connection that happens during and lingers after intimacy is healing and it awakens your hunger for it so you want more. This "oneness" provides deep comfort during times of hurt. In II Samuel David and Bathsheba's son died and the Bible says, "David comforted Bathsheba his wife, and went in to her, and lay with her. So she bore a son, and he called his name Solomon." It is natural; the way God designed us to desire intimacy when we are experiencing heartache.
5. Recreation - God thinks intimacy between a husband and wife should be fun. In Genesis 26:8 we read that Isaac and Rebekah were caressing in a private moment. In its original Hebrew, the word used in the Bible means "sporting with." That sounds like fun to me. Also, when you read the Song of Songs, you see the king and his new wife are having a wonderful time with intimacy.
6. Rejuvenation - Intimacy is good for our emotional and physical health. We talked about how it is good for us emotionally under "Reconnection." Physically, it is good for us because it raises our endorphin level so it makes us happier. Plus, it burns calories. 60 minutes=250 calories, the same as taking a walk.So, have you been fooled by romance?
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Where do you look for romance or get your idea of romance?
• The world?
• Pride and Prejudice?
• Romance movies?
• Christian romance stories?
• Advertisements?
• Marriage retreats where you can have time to reconnect?
Now, I am not saying that any of these things are all bad, only that they are not where we want to get new ideas for our wish list from.
Let me tell you how Webster's dictionary defines romance.
It is a story "with matters that appeal to the imagination."
Being a "romantic" is defined as being foolish unpractical, and unrealistic. "It is characterized as having a preoccupation with love."
If you are looking for romance, you are looking for more than God planned for you; you're looking for something the world thinks is real, and not something God designed. As long as you keep looking, you will never be content.
Discontent is the breeding ground for restlessness, and restlessness leads us to begin looking at what our husbands don't have. Then it is easy to become bitter over what we "think" is missing, and we may even find ourselves looking elsewhere for what we think we are missing.
What if your husband is not content? Affairs are not commenced or responded positively to by a contented and satisfied man-and I'm not speaking of intimate fulfillment here.
Discontented men who are tempted to look elsewhere for happiness are usually ones who respond to how the other woman makes them feel. Neglect your man and his feelings and you may find the wicked truth: there is a woman out there who will take your place and make sure he feels like a desirable person.
Intimacy. You may have wondered, "Why intimacy?" The answer is from the Bible in three "-tions" starting with a P and three "-tions" starting start with an R.
1. Procreation - babies make the world go 'round. Genesis 1:28 commands us to "be fruitful and multiply." That command has not been rescinded.
2. Proclamation - picture of Christ and His church, each time a Christian husband and wife are intimate; it proclaims to Satan that God's plan of love will win in the end. A happily married couple united emotionally, spiritually, and sexually is one of the best antidotes to the evil of the world.
3. Protection - Intimacy is designed to be only within the commitment of marriage. In Proverbs 5:15 young men are told to steer clear of the sin of lust, "Drink water from your own cistern, and fresh water from your own well." I Corinthians 7:2-5 without a doubt shows us that intimacy within marriage is a protection to married people against temptation, "But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband... Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
4. Reconnection - The emotional, spiritual, and sexual connection that happens during and lingers after intimacy is healing and it awakens your hunger for it so you want more. This "oneness" provides deep comfort during times of hurt. In II Samuel David and Bathsheba's son died and the Bible says, "David comforted Bathsheba his wife, and went in to her, and lay with her. So she bore a son, and he called his name Solomon." It is natural; the way God designed us to desire intimacy when we are experiencing heartache.
5. Recreation - God thinks intimacy between a husband and wife should be fun. In Genesis 26:8 we read that Isaac and Rebekah were caressing in a private moment. In its original Hebrew, the word used in the Bible means "sporting with." That sounds like fun to me. Also, when you read the Song of Songs, you see the king and his new wife are having a wonderful time with intimacy.
6. Rejuvenation - Intimacy is good for our emotional and physical health. We talked about how it is good for us emotionally under "Reconnection." Physically, it is good for us because it raises our endorphin level so it makes us happier. Plus, it burns calories. 60 minutes=250 calories, the same as taking a walk.So, have you been fooled by romance?
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Sunday, 14 October 2012
Is There Really a Best Age to Get Married? How to Know If You're Ready
You've got the butterflies in your stomach. Your legs begin to dance when you see that special someone you've been dating. Your eyes feel as though you dream like never before when you look at them. The best part, you've been dating for long enough to take the relationship to the next level, and everything seems to be going off without a hitch. Even after a year. You begin to wonder if it is time to make the big commitment; but, just how sure can you be that you are indeed ready to get married? There are a few tips and advice that will help you to determine if now is the time.
How to Know if You are Ready to Get Married?
1. The first thing to do is to look at both of yours maturity level, in all areas of your life. Are you able to accept constructive criticism from one another? How do each of you handle obstacles that get in the way of your daily course or plans? Do you strive forward? Do you give up? How responsible is each of you? Do you handle your finances wisely? Do you manage your money? Do you have money to manage? These are all habits and traits that you will want to look at to help you to determine if you are ready to take the big step.
2. Look at each of your goals. Have you established long term goals? If one of you has not included a long term relationship that will lead to marriage in your goals, then the chances are that the one that has not, is not ready. If you or your partner haven't given the thought or planned a future together, then you should discuss this. Most couples that are seriously committed will refer to the future together. If your partner has not, then you need to make certain that you are not in a relationship that your goals are different.
3. Think of each of your behaviors. Does one of you still spend an excess amount of time partying with friends? Does one of you seem to be a bit irresponsible with alcohol or staying out too late and getting to work early? If so, these are signs that you are not ready to settle down.
4. How do you treat one another? Do you feel that you are both treated as well if not better than each would treat themselves? This is what it takes for a marriage to be successful. If one of you tends to be sarcastic or negative towards the other then it definitely is not a wise move to get married. You want to ensure that you each think of the other and put the other first. The last thing you need is a relationship with destructive behavior because of a hot head!
5. Are you financially stable? Is your partner financially stable? One of the major difficulties in a marriage is finances and you need to ensure that you are financially secure going into the marriage.
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How to Know if You are Ready to Get Married?
1. The first thing to do is to look at both of yours maturity level, in all areas of your life. Are you able to accept constructive criticism from one another? How do each of you handle obstacles that get in the way of your daily course or plans? Do you strive forward? Do you give up? How responsible is each of you? Do you handle your finances wisely? Do you manage your money? Do you have money to manage? These are all habits and traits that you will want to look at to help you to determine if you are ready to take the big step.
2. Look at each of your goals. Have you established long term goals? If one of you has not included a long term relationship that will lead to marriage in your goals, then the chances are that the one that has not, is not ready. If you or your partner haven't given the thought or planned a future together, then you should discuss this. Most couples that are seriously committed will refer to the future together. If your partner has not, then you need to make certain that you are not in a relationship that your goals are different.
3. Think of each of your behaviors. Does one of you still spend an excess amount of time partying with friends? Does one of you seem to be a bit irresponsible with alcohol or staying out too late and getting to work early? If so, these are signs that you are not ready to settle down.
4. How do you treat one another? Do you feel that you are both treated as well if not better than each would treat themselves? This is what it takes for a marriage to be successful. If one of you tends to be sarcastic or negative towards the other then it definitely is not a wise move to get married. You want to ensure that you each think of the other and put the other first. The last thing you need is a relationship with destructive behavior because of a hot head!
5. Are you financially stable? Is your partner financially stable? One of the major difficulties in a marriage is finances and you need to ensure that you are financially secure going into the marriage.
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Marriage Advise From a Divorced Dad?
Why not! A lot of people might be curious to see what kind of marriage advice (good or bad) a divorced dad has to offer. In my earlier article "Successful marriage: fact or fiction", I expressed some suggestions on what a husband and wife can do to support a healthy relationship and happy marriage. Some very good points, but there's not a lot of advice or personal perspectives on what "not" to do for maintaining a happy marriage. So the following are some "not to do" tips I've come across in a couple of no-no's that I experienced when I was married.
Disrespecting your spouse: When it comes to maintaining any relationship, respect is a very important part of any marriage. It is an essential principle that sustains many aspects of a marriage. I'm sure many of us can remember being told as a child "treat a person the way you would like to be treated". Although this principle applies more than ever between a husband and wife, as parents the mutual respect you prove towards each other will give your children a clear perspective on how a husband treats his wife and vice versa. Publicly or privately humiliating any person shows a lack of maturity. Even when an in law or friend badmouth's your spouse, you need to speak up and defend them, just like you would if anybody was talking about your best friend. I dealt with something like this when I was married to my ex-wife. Her step mother would often be little her on her mothering techniques or anything else she saw unfit by her standards, very intimidating woman. Even as I'm writing this out I can remember a couple of times when I should have stood up for her and defended her, I regret that I didn't.
Staying connected: you need to be willing to communicate, to better understand each others needs (emotional and physical). Being the father of two teenage sons and working in a barbershop is teaching me to be a better listener. I don't know if it's a guy thing or a lack of patience, but I used to get this tug-of-war thing going on where I'd like the boys just to get to the point so I can get back to my original train of thought. I know it sounds selfish, but I'm learning to break that pattern. If you are unwilling to communicate or listen to your spouse, your marriage will have problems and eventually fail. You and your spouse need to be on the same page even more so if you have children. Our kids need our full attention. A couple needs to be able to move forward with their shared goals in the direction of their marriage. Communication can build emotional intimacy in a marriage relationship and builds trust and support for one another as they grow together.
It's always important for a couple to know "what to do" in order to create and support a healthy marriage. But it is also important to recognize habits or patterns that can cause difficult situations to become more conflicting so that you can avoid them. Always remember that you have two unique individuals with different upbringing and life experiences coming together in marriage, so it's going to be challenging and downright aggravating at times. I hope husbands and wives can make use of some of the advice based on some solid-common sense principles that are outlined here. Being aware of what "not" to do can positively influence our thoughts on how we approach a healthy relationship.
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Disrespecting your spouse: When it comes to maintaining any relationship, respect is a very important part of any marriage. It is an essential principle that sustains many aspects of a marriage. I'm sure many of us can remember being told as a child "treat a person the way you would like to be treated". Although this principle applies more than ever between a husband and wife, as parents the mutual respect you prove towards each other will give your children a clear perspective on how a husband treats his wife and vice versa. Publicly or privately humiliating any person shows a lack of maturity. Even when an in law or friend badmouth's your spouse, you need to speak up and defend them, just like you would if anybody was talking about your best friend. I dealt with something like this when I was married to my ex-wife. Her step mother would often be little her on her mothering techniques or anything else she saw unfit by her standards, very intimidating woman. Even as I'm writing this out I can remember a couple of times when I should have stood up for her and defended her, I regret that I didn't.
Staying connected: you need to be willing to communicate, to better understand each others needs (emotional and physical). Being the father of two teenage sons and working in a barbershop is teaching me to be a better listener. I don't know if it's a guy thing or a lack of patience, but I used to get this tug-of-war thing going on where I'd like the boys just to get to the point so I can get back to my original train of thought. I know it sounds selfish, but I'm learning to break that pattern. If you are unwilling to communicate or listen to your spouse, your marriage will have problems and eventually fail. You and your spouse need to be on the same page even more so if you have children. Our kids need our full attention. A couple needs to be able to move forward with their shared goals in the direction of their marriage. Communication can build emotional intimacy in a marriage relationship and builds trust and support for one another as they grow together.
It's always important for a couple to know "what to do" in order to create and support a healthy marriage. But it is also important to recognize habits or patterns that can cause difficult situations to become more conflicting so that you can avoid them. Always remember that you have two unique individuals with different upbringing and life experiences coming together in marriage, so it's going to be challenging and downright aggravating at times. I hope husbands and wives can make use of some of the advice based on some solid-common sense principles that are outlined here. Being aware of what "not" to do can positively influence our thoughts on how we approach a healthy relationship.
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Wednesday, 29 August 2012
What Predicts Whether a Couple Will Make It Past the Initial Romance?
Do you wonder why your relationships fizzle out after the initial 'high' of that new romance has worn off? Are you disappointed that those feelings of elation and effortless connection wane? Perhaps you are concerned that you will have to make do with mediocre feelings of bonding that become more about duty and routine than about desire and mutual comfort.
A significantly high number of relationships lose that special chemistry which glued them together at the start of their relationship.
But it doesn't have to happen to you, if you pay attention to the actual chemistry that maintains, sustains and strengthens the bond. It's all down to a chemical called Oxytocin - and whether you create the right conditions for it to be produced so that it can do the job.
Connie and Jasper met in an airport lounge and instantly fitted together. It was as if they had known each other all their lives. They reveled in their minds and bodies being in total sync, as if they were one and the same person. It made the relationship feel natural and right, leading them to move in together and make plans for marriage. They enjoyed a balanced rhythm of give and take, affection, and joint focus on their personal interactions and well as on their social lives.
All was going well until the wedding arrangements took center stage.
The details of the reception, invitation cards, music and guest lists disrupted their connection. Instead of tuning into each other from moment to moment they were checking on who accomplished a task or let one slip. Instead of regular affection it was formalized into greetings and goodbyes. Instead of matching one and others rhythms and moods they were pulling and pushing to manage the pressures of the wedding day.
By the time the wedding approached Connie was in a state of anxiety about the day going as planned. She wasn't thinking about Jasper and his smile. She wasn't thinking about Jasper's touch or his friendship and comforting presence. She was thinking about her parents, the caterers, her dress and her photos.
Jasper's wedding day was taken up with consoling his mother who was convinced she was losing a son. Instead of checking in with Connie as they used to do every few hours, he hadn't spoken with her or felt her closeness for weeks. Instead of being comforted by her soft voice and her infectious laugh, he was consumed with making sure his best man was sober and the honeymoon arrangements were confirmed.
The oxytocin that had successfully glued Connie and Jasper before they planned their wedding was no longer circulating in their blood streams.It had long since stopped being produced because their bonding rituals had ceased. Without the oxytocin in their systems, Connie and Jasper were more irritable with one another. They made less room for one another's mistakes. There were more expectations and fewer moments of genuine connection. The natural rhythms that once made them a perfect fit were jagged and threatening to sever their emotional ties, just when they tied the formal knot of marriage.
How can Connie and Jasper regain that bond and connection before it is too late?
By rejuvenating their bonding rituals! Recent research has shown us exactly what they are and what happens when they cease to operate.
A study on new and established couples reported in Psychoneuroendocrinology 2012,
found that couples who stayed connected and together after the first six months of romance maintained the same high levels of oxytocin in their systems as new lovers. They did it by actively engaging in shared give and take and including affection in their lives on a spontaneous but regular basis. The study found that couples who maintained their high levels of bonding chemicals showed interest in each other's anxieties and talked about the worries regarding the relationship as they arose.
Basically, couples who successfully kept their oxytocin levels as high as in the early romantic days stayed in synch with one another emotionally and affectionately.
Keeping those levels of oxytocin high by engaging in interactive reciprocity was the sole predictor of whether couples would stay together after the initial six months of "highs" common in romantic love. Those couples who failed to stay tuned into each other at all levels, reduced their levels of oxytocin and separated after 6 months.
Shared give and take and tuning into one another produces and maintains the high level of oxytocin needed for bonding, and in turn the oxytocin produces the glue that keeps the bond alive and strong.
So avoid the mistake that Connie and Jasper made by focusing on everything but their relationships. Make sure you stay in tuned into your partner and the relationship in an affectionate manner so that your levels of oxytocin remain at levels that predict a stable and strong partnership.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Take the intimacy quiz and discover your comfort zone with emotional intimacy.
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A significantly high number of relationships lose that special chemistry which glued them together at the start of their relationship.
But it doesn't have to happen to you, if you pay attention to the actual chemistry that maintains, sustains and strengthens the bond. It's all down to a chemical called Oxytocin - and whether you create the right conditions for it to be produced so that it can do the job.
Connie and Jasper met in an airport lounge and instantly fitted together. It was as if they had known each other all their lives. They reveled in their minds and bodies being in total sync, as if they were one and the same person. It made the relationship feel natural and right, leading them to move in together and make plans for marriage. They enjoyed a balanced rhythm of give and take, affection, and joint focus on their personal interactions and well as on their social lives.
All was going well until the wedding arrangements took center stage.
The details of the reception, invitation cards, music and guest lists disrupted their connection. Instead of tuning into each other from moment to moment they were checking on who accomplished a task or let one slip. Instead of regular affection it was formalized into greetings and goodbyes. Instead of matching one and others rhythms and moods they were pulling and pushing to manage the pressures of the wedding day.
By the time the wedding approached Connie was in a state of anxiety about the day going as planned. She wasn't thinking about Jasper and his smile. She wasn't thinking about Jasper's touch or his friendship and comforting presence. She was thinking about her parents, the caterers, her dress and her photos.
Jasper's wedding day was taken up with consoling his mother who was convinced she was losing a son. Instead of checking in with Connie as they used to do every few hours, he hadn't spoken with her or felt her closeness for weeks. Instead of being comforted by her soft voice and her infectious laugh, he was consumed with making sure his best man was sober and the honeymoon arrangements were confirmed.
The oxytocin that had successfully glued Connie and Jasper before they planned their wedding was no longer circulating in their blood streams.It had long since stopped being produced because their bonding rituals had ceased. Without the oxytocin in their systems, Connie and Jasper were more irritable with one another. They made less room for one another's mistakes. There were more expectations and fewer moments of genuine connection. The natural rhythms that once made them a perfect fit were jagged and threatening to sever their emotional ties, just when they tied the formal knot of marriage.
How can Connie and Jasper regain that bond and connection before it is too late?
By rejuvenating their bonding rituals! Recent research has shown us exactly what they are and what happens when they cease to operate.
A study on new and established couples reported in Psychoneuroendocrinology 2012,
found that couples who stayed connected and together after the first six months of romance maintained the same high levels of oxytocin in their systems as new lovers. They did it by actively engaging in shared give and take and including affection in their lives on a spontaneous but regular basis. The study found that couples who maintained their high levels of bonding chemicals showed interest in each other's anxieties and talked about the worries regarding the relationship as they arose.
Basically, couples who successfully kept their oxytocin levels as high as in the early romantic days stayed in synch with one another emotionally and affectionately.
Keeping those levels of oxytocin high by engaging in interactive reciprocity was the sole predictor of whether couples would stay together after the initial six months of "highs" common in romantic love. Those couples who failed to stay tuned into each other at all levels, reduced their levels of oxytocin and separated after 6 months.
Shared give and take and tuning into one another produces and maintains the high level of oxytocin needed for bonding, and in turn the oxytocin produces the glue that keeps the bond alive and strong.
So avoid the mistake that Connie and Jasper made by focusing on everything but their relationships. Make sure you stay in tuned into your partner and the relationship in an affectionate manner so that your levels of oxytocin remain at levels that predict a stable and strong partnership.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Take the intimacy quiz and discover your comfort zone with emotional intimacy.
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Wise Mistakes in Marriage and Relationships
For a good while, I've had to talk to numerous people about how to let go of harmful relationships. Getting out of harmful relationships has been a very hot topic in the press for several years. The topic seems relevant to the needs of many. However, there is a danger to such a negative outlook. With such a collective focus on avoiding or escaping from destructive relationships it's easy to overlook the natural and non-pathological ways that relationships often do not work out. Many times I have seen people blame themselves mercilessly for having pursued yet another ill-fated relationship, even when the relationship initially seemed to hold much promise. This self-castigation is especially prevalent among the people focusing on recovery from co-dependence issues. Like most self-blame, it's destructive as well as unnecessary.
Too many people view relationships from a pseudo-scientific perspective: If you make a wise choice in a partner, then the relationship will work out (assuming you make the "right" moves as well). If you hold this belief as being your own, it may be laying the foundation for accumulating shame and low self-esteem. The problem is that relationship skills are probabilistic at best. You can behave in "better" or "worse" ways to influence relationships but you cannot control them. They are NOT scientific and they don't rely on exact procedures. There are no "right" choices! The myth of control is dangerous even though it seems reassuring on the surface. If you assume relationships can be controlled, then when one doesn't work out you will likely conclude that you either did not make a wise choice in a mate (i.e. "dumb choice") or that you didn't manage the relationship the "right" way (i.e. "dumb moves"). These messages accumulate more shame and evidence of your being a defective human being, even though your investment in the relationship may have been a good risk.
You are better off with a broader concept of risk within relationships. Instead of assuming that risk is just a matter of feeling vulnerable., you can also assume that you are operating on very limited information. You can assume that there is a lot about your partner that you cannot know, and perhaps a lot that they may not know about themselves. You can assume that you can't perfectly predict how your partner's feelings will change as the relationship evolves. You can assume that changing life circumstances may influence either your partner's emotional investment or your own. In short, you can assume random and unpredictable influences over which you have little or no control. Which brings me to my main premise: That you can take wise risks for a relationship that doesn't necessarily work out. Even though you may be disappointed with the demise of a relationship, your initial decision to invest may have been a wise one. This is especially prevalent when one person risks investing with another who is undergoing personal change following a separation or divorce. The newly divorced person may be wonderfully receptive, compassionate, and loving but he or she may be understandably fearful of making new commitments and may not have a stable vision of what he or she wants. Investing with such a person has many risks but also much potential. Will it be worth it? There's no way to tell for sure. How much time do you have to find out? How important is a future commitment and how much do you want to emphasize the present? How vulnerable are you to the pain of possible disappointment? You may weigh these and other considerations when making a wise choice... and you may still be disappointed in the end. If you considered many of these factors, you don't have to blame yourself for being dumb or pathological. You can instead appreciate your limitations in being able to predict the future.
So how do you know when you are making a "wise" or an "unwise" investment in a relationship? I would suggest that it is unwise to ignore easily obtainable information that can help your decisions. For example, not communicating with your partner can help keep you totally in the dark. The most unsound choices are made when you are ignoring information that you already have on hand. If you ignore a long and consistent pattern of frustrating behaviors by your partner merely because you keep hoping that he or she will change, then you are certainly exercising unwise choices. The bottom line is that unwise choices will involve unsound consideration of available information. Wise choices involve consideration of available but limited information as well as the real possibility that you may still wind up with having made a wise mistake.
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Too many people view relationships from a pseudo-scientific perspective: If you make a wise choice in a partner, then the relationship will work out (assuming you make the "right" moves as well). If you hold this belief as being your own, it may be laying the foundation for accumulating shame and low self-esteem. The problem is that relationship skills are probabilistic at best. You can behave in "better" or "worse" ways to influence relationships but you cannot control them. They are NOT scientific and they don't rely on exact procedures. There are no "right" choices! The myth of control is dangerous even though it seems reassuring on the surface. If you assume relationships can be controlled, then when one doesn't work out you will likely conclude that you either did not make a wise choice in a mate (i.e. "dumb choice") or that you didn't manage the relationship the "right" way (i.e. "dumb moves"). These messages accumulate more shame and evidence of your being a defective human being, even though your investment in the relationship may have been a good risk.
You are better off with a broader concept of risk within relationships. Instead of assuming that risk is just a matter of feeling vulnerable., you can also assume that you are operating on very limited information. You can assume that there is a lot about your partner that you cannot know, and perhaps a lot that they may not know about themselves. You can assume that you can't perfectly predict how your partner's feelings will change as the relationship evolves. You can assume that changing life circumstances may influence either your partner's emotional investment or your own. In short, you can assume random and unpredictable influences over which you have little or no control. Which brings me to my main premise: That you can take wise risks for a relationship that doesn't necessarily work out. Even though you may be disappointed with the demise of a relationship, your initial decision to invest may have been a wise one. This is especially prevalent when one person risks investing with another who is undergoing personal change following a separation or divorce. The newly divorced person may be wonderfully receptive, compassionate, and loving but he or she may be understandably fearful of making new commitments and may not have a stable vision of what he or she wants. Investing with such a person has many risks but also much potential. Will it be worth it? There's no way to tell for sure. How much time do you have to find out? How important is a future commitment and how much do you want to emphasize the present? How vulnerable are you to the pain of possible disappointment? You may weigh these and other considerations when making a wise choice... and you may still be disappointed in the end. If you considered many of these factors, you don't have to blame yourself for being dumb or pathological. You can instead appreciate your limitations in being able to predict the future.
So how do you know when you are making a "wise" or an "unwise" investment in a relationship? I would suggest that it is unwise to ignore easily obtainable information that can help your decisions. For example, not communicating with your partner can help keep you totally in the dark. The most unsound choices are made when you are ignoring information that you already have on hand. If you ignore a long and consistent pattern of frustrating behaviors by your partner merely because you keep hoping that he or she will change, then you are certainly exercising unwise choices. The bottom line is that unwise choices will involve unsound consideration of available information. Wise choices involve consideration of available but limited information as well as the real possibility that you may still wind up with having made a wise mistake.
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Wow! My Spouse Can Be Just Like My Mother/Father! How Did That Happen?
Have you ever been going about your daily life, when suddenly something your spouse says or does is so reminiscent of what your mother or father once said or did, you can hardly believe it? It can be quite surprising - and sometimes unsettling - to see certain traits of your parents in your spouse!
The positive traits are understandable. It makes sense that we would choose to be with someone who has some of the same positive characteristics of our parents. On the other hand, the negative traits can be disturbing.
By traits, I mean certain aspects of a person's character that define who they are most of the time, including in times of crisis. Some positive traits that you might have seen in your parents - and your spouse - are warmth, bravery, trustworthiness, gentleness, confidence, tolerance, fairness, lending support, being dependable, generous, hardworking and loving. It seems natural that we would choose to be with someone who has the same positive traits as our parents because we grew up with those things and those parts felt good.
On the other hand, when you see the negative traits of your parents reflected in your spouse it can be very upsetting. Examples of negative traits include being inflexible, fearful, sneaky, grumpy, attacking, stingy, impatient, intrusive and, at the extreme, neglectful or abusive. We may wonder, "Why didn't I see that BEFORE we got married?" "How could I have chosen someone who says or does things my parent(s) used to do that I hated?" Or even, "How did this happen?"
Like everyone, your spouse has both positive and negative traits. Of course, many of his/her traits are quite different from your parent's. However, in this article, we're talking about the traits that are the same. You were unconsciously drawn to a person with the same traits as your parents because they were familiar. This is what you grew up with. This is what you know.
The contact you had (or didn't have) with your parents was your first experience with being in a relationship. From that, you learned how people behave. You learned this on both a conscious level (meaning you know this) and an unconscious level (meaning you aren't aware of this but it's affecting your life anyway). Later in our lives, when we find a person with similar traits, we tend to gravitate towards them because we learned that that's just how people behave.
It's shocking to consider that you unconsciously chose to be with a person because they have one or more of the same negative traits you grew up with. This didn't happen because you wanted it to, it happened because this is what you learned a relationship feels like.
A good example of this is a woman who keeps getting involved with men who are unavailable. She hates that she falls in love with men who are this way. It doesn't make sense to her until she gains insight into herself and considers that her mother was absent. (It doesn't matter if it's the same sex or opposite sex parent.) Being in a relationship with someone who isn't around or isn't emotionally available is familiar to her. She may not like it, but it's what she knows and what she has gravitated towards.
The good news here is that once we learn the things our unconscious is drawing us to, we can change them. We can decide with the conscious, knowing part of our brain to begin to do things differently. Changing this part of yourself may mean deliberately dating someone different next time or finally learning how to deal effectively with your spouse who has this trait.
The first step to making this change is awareness. Write down all the positive and negative traits of your parents or caregivers. Next, write down all the traits of your current or past partners and look for similarities. As a child, you just had to cope with, or survive living with, the negative traits of your parents. As an adult, you can learn to deal effectively with people who have these same traits. You don't have to live stuck in a time warp!
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The positive traits are understandable. It makes sense that we would choose to be with someone who has some of the same positive characteristics of our parents. On the other hand, the negative traits can be disturbing.
By traits, I mean certain aspects of a person's character that define who they are most of the time, including in times of crisis. Some positive traits that you might have seen in your parents - and your spouse - are warmth, bravery, trustworthiness, gentleness, confidence, tolerance, fairness, lending support, being dependable, generous, hardworking and loving. It seems natural that we would choose to be with someone who has the same positive traits as our parents because we grew up with those things and those parts felt good.
On the other hand, when you see the negative traits of your parents reflected in your spouse it can be very upsetting. Examples of negative traits include being inflexible, fearful, sneaky, grumpy, attacking, stingy, impatient, intrusive and, at the extreme, neglectful or abusive. We may wonder, "Why didn't I see that BEFORE we got married?" "How could I have chosen someone who says or does things my parent(s) used to do that I hated?" Or even, "How did this happen?"
Like everyone, your spouse has both positive and negative traits. Of course, many of his/her traits are quite different from your parent's. However, in this article, we're talking about the traits that are the same. You were unconsciously drawn to a person with the same traits as your parents because they were familiar. This is what you grew up with. This is what you know.
The contact you had (or didn't have) with your parents was your first experience with being in a relationship. From that, you learned how people behave. You learned this on both a conscious level (meaning you know this) and an unconscious level (meaning you aren't aware of this but it's affecting your life anyway). Later in our lives, when we find a person with similar traits, we tend to gravitate towards them because we learned that that's just how people behave.
It's shocking to consider that you unconsciously chose to be with a person because they have one or more of the same negative traits you grew up with. This didn't happen because you wanted it to, it happened because this is what you learned a relationship feels like.
A good example of this is a woman who keeps getting involved with men who are unavailable. She hates that she falls in love with men who are this way. It doesn't make sense to her until she gains insight into herself and considers that her mother was absent. (It doesn't matter if it's the same sex or opposite sex parent.) Being in a relationship with someone who isn't around or isn't emotionally available is familiar to her. She may not like it, but it's what she knows and what she has gravitated towards.
The good news here is that once we learn the things our unconscious is drawing us to, we can change them. We can decide with the conscious, knowing part of our brain to begin to do things differently. Changing this part of yourself may mean deliberately dating someone different next time or finally learning how to deal effectively with your spouse who has this trait.
The first step to making this change is awareness. Write down all the positive and negative traits of your parents or caregivers. Next, write down all the traits of your current or past partners and look for similarities. As a child, you just had to cope with, or survive living with, the negative traits of your parents. As an adult, you can learn to deal effectively with people who have these same traits. You don't have to live stuck in a time warp!
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Tuesday, 28 August 2012
What's the Ideal Length of Time of Dating Before Getting Married?
During a relationship there comes a point in time that eventually, you will get serious and want to take things to another level of commitment. There have been lots of speculations on how long a person should be involved in a relationship prior to considering the ultimate step of getting married. Truth is that no one really knows what the magic number or length of time you should be in a relationship prior to pursuing marriage. Most say that getting hitched months after dating it's totally ridiculous and that it would never last, but in some situations it not contradicts those statements but outlives what some may consider to be a "traditional" length of time.
Only dating for a few months prior to a marital commitment is scrutinized because to some, there isn't enough time to know the person completely and what are their likes or dislikes. Another issue is that many family members have not been properly introduced and if anyone or majority of people who are against marriage after dating a few months would be family members. Red flags would be thrown all over the place and caution speeches would be the core of any conversation with immediate family members who are concerned about your decision.
Some believe in falling in love at first sight and actually in most cases they dated for years prior to marriage and they end up with the happily ever after ending. Again, this is only in some cases and not all. Couples who fall in love also make the decision to move in together prior to getting married. To some religious communities, living with a partner maybe seen as a sin, but it actually works best for couples to get to know each other more intimately and learn their "live in" behaviors. They say you never know a person until you live with them and this can be a known fact to many. It's like having the pre game to the super bowl in this case living with together and testing the waters before the marriage. Couples who've lived with each other and actually didn't make it are thankful that they did it because they figured how the rest of their marriage could have been a disaster. They agree that living with each other and learning each others attitudes, likes and dislikes, mood swings, peeves, and true colors, made the decision if they were actually compatible with each other to have a life together, easier.
In many cases, some couples didn't match at all and the only thing they had going was the sex but couldn't co exist with each other due to different attitudes and personalities. They actually became just sexual partners and hung out, but never dated again. When asked if they would consider getting married after experiencing living with each other they said they would have to try living with each other longer and see where they would be now.
Time can also help a relationship, without it you cannot have a strong and mature commitment to one another. Time maybe of an essence when it comes to having a strong relationship and many may say that sometimes it will take years before some couples actually marry and some may not even marry at all, but will still live life together as if they were married.
Love is a strange thing and no one can ever tell how long it will be before it hits your heart and time will just stop completely. If love is strong enough it can take just seconds by the time you know who you'll end up with for the rest of your life. Short term or long term doesn't matter if its true love, then the kinks of life will iron itself out for you and the one you love.
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Only dating for a few months prior to a marital commitment is scrutinized because to some, there isn't enough time to know the person completely and what are their likes or dislikes. Another issue is that many family members have not been properly introduced and if anyone or majority of people who are against marriage after dating a few months would be family members. Red flags would be thrown all over the place and caution speeches would be the core of any conversation with immediate family members who are concerned about your decision.
Some believe in falling in love at first sight and actually in most cases they dated for years prior to marriage and they end up with the happily ever after ending. Again, this is only in some cases and not all. Couples who fall in love also make the decision to move in together prior to getting married. To some religious communities, living with a partner maybe seen as a sin, but it actually works best for couples to get to know each other more intimately and learn their "live in" behaviors. They say you never know a person until you live with them and this can be a known fact to many. It's like having the pre game to the super bowl in this case living with together and testing the waters before the marriage. Couples who've lived with each other and actually didn't make it are thankful that they did it because they figured how the rest of their marriage could have been a disaster. They agree that living with each other and learning each others attitudes, likes and dislikes, mood swings, peeves, and true colors, made the decision if they were actually compatible with each other to have a life together, easier.
In many cases, some couples didn't match at all and the only thing they had going was the sex but couldn't co exist with each other due to different attitudes and personalities. They actually became just sexual partners and hung out, but never dated again. When asked if they would consider getting married after experiencing living with each other they said they would have to try living with each other longer and see where they would be now.
Time can also help a relationship, without it you cannot have a strong and mature commitment to one another. Time maybe of an essence when it comes to having a strong relationship and many may say that sometimes it will take years before some couples actually marry and some may not even marry at all, but will still live life together as if they were married.
Love is a strange thing and no one can ever tell how long it will be before it hits your heart and time will just stop completely. If love is strong enough it can take just seconds by the time you know who you'll end up with for the rest of your life. Short term or long term doesn't matter if its true love, then the kinks of life will iron itself out for you and the one you love.
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