Do you wonder why your relationships fizzle out after the initial 'high' of that new romance has worn off? Are you disappointed that those feelings of elation and effortless connection wane? Perhaps you are concerned that you will have to make do with mediocre feelings of bonding that become more about duty and routine than about desire and mutual comfort.
A significantly high number of relationships lose that special chemistry which glued them together at the start of their relationship.
But it doesn't have to happen to you, if you pay attention to the actual chemistry that maintains, sustains and strengthens the bond. It's all down to a chemical called Oxytocin - and whether you create the right conditions for it to be produced so that it can do the job.
Connie and Jasper met in an airport lounge and instantly fitted together. It was as if they had known each other all their lives. They reveled in their minds and bodies being in total sync, as if they were one and the same person. It made the relationship feel natural and right, leading them to move in together and make plans for marriage. They enjoyed a balanced rhythm of give and take, affection, and joint focus on their personal interactions and well as on their social lives.
All was going well until the wedding arrangements took center stage.
The details of the reception, invitation cards, music and guest lists disrupted their connection. Instead of tuning into each other from moment to moment they were checking on who accomplished a task or let one slip. Instead of regular affection it was formalized into greetings and goodbyes. Instead of matching one and others rhythms and moods they were pulling and pushing to manage the pressures of the wedding day.
By the time the wedding approached Connie was in a state of anxiety about the day going as planned. She wasn't thinking about Jasper and his smile. She wasn't thinking about Jasper's touch or his friendship and comforting presence. She was thinking about her parents, the caterers, her dress and her photos.
Jasper's wedding day was taken up with consoling his mother who was convinced she was losing a son. Instead of checking in with Connie as they used to do every few hours, he hadn't spoken with her or felt her closeness for weeks. Instead of being comforted by her soft voice and her infectious laugh, he was consumed with making sure his best man was sober and the honeymoon arrangements were confirmed.
The oxytocin that had successfully glued Connie and Jasper before they planned their wedding was no longer circulating in their blood streams.It had long since stopped being produced because their bonding rituals had ceased. Without the oxytocin in their systems, Connie and Jasper were more irritable with one another. They made less room for one another's mistakes. There were more expectations and fewer moments of genuine connection. The natural rhythms that once made them a perfect fit were jagged and threatening to sever their emotional ties, just when they tied the formal knot of marriage.
How can Connie and Jasper regain that bond and connection before it is too late?
By rejuvenating their bonding rituals! Recent research has shown us exactly what they are and what happens when they cease to operate.
A study on new and established couples reported in Psychoneuroendocrinology 2012,
found that couples who stayed connected and together after the first six months of romance maintained the same high levels of oxytocin in their systems as new lovers. They did it by actively engaging in shared give and take and including affection in their lives on a spontaneous but regular basis. The study found that couples who maintained their high levels of bonding chemicals showed interest in each other's anxieties and talked about the worries regarding the relationship as they arose.
Basically, couples who successfully kept their oxytocin levels as high as in the early romantic days stayed in synch with one another emotionally and affectionately.
Keeping those levels of oxytocin high by engaging in interactive reciprocity was the sole predictor of whether couples would stay together after the initial six months of "highs" common in romantic love. Those couples who failed to stay tuned into each other at all levels, reduced their levels of oxytocin and separated after 6 months.
Shared give and take and tuning into one another produces and maintains the high level of oxytocin needed for bonding, and in turn the oxytocin produces the glue that keeps the bond alive and strong.
So avoid the mistake that Connie and Jasper made by focusing on everything but their relationships. Make sure you stay in tuned into your partner and the relationship in an affectionate manner so that your levels of oxytocin remain at levels that predict a stable and strong partnership.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
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Wednesday, 29 August 2012
Wise Mistakes in Marriage and Relationships
For a good while, I've had to talk to numerous people about how to let go of harmful relationships. Getting out of harmful relationships has been a very hot topic in the press for several years. The topic seems relevant to the needs of many. However, there is a danger to such a negative outlook. With such a collective focus on avoiding or escaping from destructive relationships it's easy to overlook the natural and non-pathological ways that relationships often do not work out. Many times I have seen people blame themselves mercilessly for having pursued yet another ill-fated relationship, even when the relationship initially seemed to hold much promise. This self-castigation is especially prevalent among the people focusing on recovery from co-dependence issues. Like most self-blame, it's destructive as well as unnecessary.
Too many people view relationships from a pseudo-scientific perspective: If you make a wise choice in a partner, then the relationship will work out (assuming you make the "right" moves as well). If you hold this belief as being your own, it may be laying the foundation for accumulating shame and low self-esteem. The problem is that relationship skills are probabilistic at best. You can behave in "better" or "worse" ways to influence relationships but you cannot control them. They are NOT scientific and they don't rely on exact procedures. There are no "right" choices! The myth of control is dangerous even though it seems reassuring on the surface. If you assume relationships can be controlled, then when one doesn't work out you will likely conclude that you either did not make a wise choice in a mate (i.e. "dumb choice") or that you didn't manage the relationship the "right" way (i.e. "dumb moves"). These messages accumulate more shame and evidence of your being a defective human being, even though your investment in the relationship may have been a good risk.
You are better off with a broader concept of risk within relationships. Instead of assuming that risk is just a matter of feeling vulnerable., you can also assume that you are operating on very limited information. You can assume that there is a lot about your partner that you cannot know, and perhaps a lot that they may not know about themselves. You can assume that you can't perfectly predict how your partner's feelings will change as the relationship evolves. You can assume that changing life circumstances may influence either your partner's emotional investment or your own. In short, you can assume random and unpredictable influences over which you have little or no control. Which brings me to my main premise: That you can take wise risks for a relationship that doesn't necessarily work out. Even though you may be disappointed with the demise of a relationship, your initial decision to invest may have been a wise one. This is especially prevalent when one person risks investing with another who is undergoing personal change following a separation or divorce. The newly divorced person may be wonderfully receptive, compassionate, and loving but he or she may be understandably fearful of making new commitments and may not have a stable vision of what he or she wants. Investing with such a person has many risks but also much potential. Will it be worth it? There's no way to tell for sure. How much time do you have to find out? How important is a future commitment and how much do you want to emphasize the present? How vulnerable are you to the pain of possible disappointment? You may weigh these and other considerations when making a wise choice... and you may still be disappointed in the end. If you considered many of these factors, you don't have to blame yourself for being dumb or pathological. You can instead appreciate your limitations in being able to predict the future.
So how do you know when you are making a "wise" or an "unwise" investment in a relationship? I would suggest that it is unwise to ignore easily obtainable information that can help your decisions. For example, not communicating with your partner can help keep you totally in the dark. The most unsound choices are made when you are ignoring information that you already have on hand. If you ignore a long and consistent pattern of frustrating behaviors by your partner merely because you keep hoping that he or she will change, then you are certainly exercising unwise choices. The bottom line is that unwise choices will involve unsound consideration of available information. Wise choices involve consideration of available but limited information as well as the real possibility that you may still wind up with having made a wise mistake.
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Too many people view relationships from a pseudo-scientific perspective: If you make a wise choice in a partner, then the relationship will work out (assuming you make the "right" moves as well). If you hold this belief as being your own, it may be laying the foundation for accumulating shame and low self-esteem. The problem is that relationship skills are probabilistic at best. You can behave in "better" or "worse" ways to influence relationships but you cannot control them. They are NOT scientific and they don't rely on exact procedures. There are no "right" choices! The myth of control is dangerous even though it seems reassuring on the surface. If you assume relationships can be controlled, then when one doesn't work out you will likely conclude that you either did not make a wise choice in a mate (i.e. "dumb choice") or that you didn't manage the relationship the "right" way (i.e. "dumb moves"). These messages accumulate more shame and evidence of your being a defective human being, even though your investment in the relationship may have been a good risk.
You are better off with a broader concept of risk within relationships. Instead of assuming that risk is just a matter of feeling vulnerable., you can also assume that you are operating on very limited information. You can assume that there is a lot about your partner that you cannot know, and perhaps a lot that they may not know about themselves. You can assume that you can't perfectly predict how your partner's feelings will change as the relationship evolves. You can assume that changing life circumstances may influence either your partner's emotional investment or your own. In short, you can assume random and unpredictable influences over which you have little or no control. Which brings me to my main premise: That you can take wise risks for a relationship that doesn't necessarily work out. Even though you may be disappointed with the demise of a relationship, your initial decision to invest may have been a wise one. This is especially prevalent when one person risks investing with another who is undergoing personal change following a separation or divorce. The newly divorced person may be wonderfully receptive, compassionate, and loving but he or she may be understandably fearful of making new commitments and may not have a stable vision of what he or she wants. Investing with such a person has many risks but also much potential. Will it be worth it? There's no way to tell for sure. How much time do you have to find out? How important is a future commitment and how much do you want to emphasize the present? How vulnerable are you to the pain of possible disappointment? You may weigh these and other considerations when making a wise choice... and you may still be disappointed in the end. If you considered many of these factors, you don't have to blame yourself for being dumb or pathological. You can instead appreciate your limitations in being able to predict the future.
So how do you know when you are making a "wise" or an "unwise" investment in a relationship? I would suggest that it is unwise to ignore easily obtainable information that can help your decisions. For example, not communicating with your partner can help keep you totally in the dark. The most unsound choices are made when you are ignoring information that you already have on hand. If you ignore a long and consistent pattern of frustrating behaviors by your partner merely because you keep hoping that he or she will change, then you are certainly exercising unwise choices. The bottom line is that unwise choices will involve unsound consideration of available information. Wise choices involve consideration of available but limited information as well as the real possibility that you may still wind up with having made a wise mistake.
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Wow! My Spouse Can Be Just Like My Mother/Father! How Did That Happen?
Have you ever been going about your daily life, when suddenly something your spouse says or does is so reminiscent of what your mother or father once said or did, you can hardly believe it? It can be quite surprising - and sometimes unsettling - to see certain traits of your parents in your spouse!
The positive traits are understandable. It makes sense that we would choose to be with someone who has some of the same positive characteristics of our parents. On the other hand, the negative traits can be disturbing.
By traits, I mean certain aspects of a person's character that define who they are most of the time, including in times of crisis. Some positive traits that you might have seen in your parents - and your spouse - are warmth, bravery, trustworthiness, gentleness, confidence, tolerance, fairness, lending support, being dependable, generous, hardworking and loving. It seems natural that we would choose to be with someone who has the same positive traits as our parents because we grew up with those things and those parts felt good.
On the other hand, when you see the negative traits of your parents reflected in your spouse it can be very upsetting. Examples of negative traits include being inflexible, fearful, sneaky, grumpy, attacking, stingy, impatient, intrusive and, at the extreme, neglectful or abusive. We may wonder, "Why didn't I see that BEFORE we got married?" "How could I have chosen someone who says or does things my parent(s) used to do that I hated?" Or even, "How did this happen?"
Like everyone, your spouse has both positive and negative traits. Of course, many of his/her traits are quite different from your parent's. However, in this article, we're talking about the traits that are the same. You were unconsciously drawn to a person with the same traits as your parents because they were familiar. This is what you grew up with. This is what you know.
The contact you had (or didn't have) with your parents was your first experience with being in a relationship. From that, you learned how people behave. You learned this on both a conscious level (meaning you know this) and an unconscious level (meaning you aren't aware of this but it's affecting your life anyway). Later in our lives, when we find a person with similar traits, we tend to gravitate towards them because we learned that that's just how people behave.
It's shocking to consider that you unconsciously chose to be with a person because they have one or more of the same negative traits you grew up with. This didn't happen because you wanted it to, it happened because this is what you learned a relationship feels like.
A good example of this is a woman who keeps getting involved with men who are unavailable. She hates that she falls in love with men who are this way. It doesn't make sense to her until she gains insight into herself and considers that her mother was absent. (It doesn't matter if it's the same sex or opposite sex parent.) Being in a relationship with someone who isn't around or isn't emotionally available is familiar to her. She may not like it, but it's what she knows and what she has gravitated towards.
The good news here is that once we learn the things our unconscious is drawing us to, we can change them. We can decide with the conscious, knowing part of our brain to begin to do things differently. Changing this part of yourself may mean deliberately dating someone different next time or finally learning how to deal effectively with your spouse who has this trait.
The first step to making this change is awareness. Write down all the positive and negative traits of your parents or caregivers. Next, write down all the traits of your current or past partners and look for similarities. As a child, you just had to cope with, or survive living with, the negative traits of your parents. As an adult, you can learn to deal effectively with people who have these same traits. You don't have to live stuck in a time warp!
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The positive traits are understandable. It makes sense that we would choose to be with someone who has some of the same positive characteristics of our parents. On the other hand, the negative traits can be disturbing.
By traits, I mean certain aspects of a person's character that define who they are most of the time, including in times of crisis. Some positive traits that you might have seen in your parents - and your spouse - are warmth, bravery, trustworthiness, gentleness, confidence, tolerance, fairness, lending support, being dependable, generous, hardworking and loving. It seems natural that we would choose to be with someone who has the same positive traits as our parents because we grew up with those things and those parts felt good.
On the other hand, when you see the negative traits of your parents reflected in your spouse it can be very upsetting. Examples of negative traits include being inflexible, fearful, sneaky, grumpy, attacking, stingy, impatient, intrusive and, at the extreme, neglectful or abusive. We may wonder, "Why didn't I see that BEFORE we got married?" "How could I have chosen someone who says or does things my parent(s) used to do that I hated?" Or even, "How did this happen?"
Like everyone, your spouse has both positive and negative traits. Of course, many of his/her traits are quite different from your parent's. However, in this article, we're talking about the traits that are the same. You were unconsciously drawn to a person with the same traits as your parents because they were familiar. This is what you grew up with. This is what you know.
The contact you had (or didn't have) with your parents was your first experience with being in a relationship. From that, you learned how people behave. You learned this on both a conscious level (meaning you know this) and an unconscious level (meaning you aren't aware of this but it's affecting your life anyway). Later in our lives, when we find a person with similar traits, we tend to gravitate towards them because we learned that that's just how people behave.
It's shocking to consider that you unconsciously chose to be with a person because they have one or more of the same negative traits you grew up with. This didn't happen because you wanted it to, it happened because this is what you learned a relationship feels like.
A good example of this is a woman who keeps getting involved with men who are unavailable. She hates that she falls in love with men who are this way. It doesn't make sense to her until she gains insight into herself and considers that her mother was absent. (It doesn't matter if it's the same sex or opposite sex parent.) Being in a relationship with someone who isn't around or isn't emotionally available is familiar to her. She may not like it, but it's what she knows and what she has gravitated towards.
The good news here is that once we learn the things our unconscious is drawing us to, we can change them. We can decide with the conscious, knowing part of our brain to begin to do things differently. Changing this part of yourself may mean deliberately dating someone different next time or finally learning how to deal effectively with your spouse who has this trait.
The first step to making this change is awareness. Write down all the positive and negative traits of your parents or caregivers. Next, write down all the traits of your current or past partners and look for similarities. As a child, you just had to cope with, or survive living with, the negative traits of your parents. As an adult, you can learn to deal effectively with people who have these same traits. You don't have to live stuck in a time warp!
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Tuesday, 28 August 2012
What's the Ideal Length of Time of Dating Before Getting Married?
During a relationship there comes a point in time that eventually, you will get serious and want to take things to another level of commitment. There have been lots of speculations on how long a person should be involved in a relationship prior to considering the ultimate step of getting married. Truth is that no one really knows what the magic number or length of time you should be in a relationship prior to pursuing marriage. Most say that getting hitched months after dating it's totally ridiculous and that it would never last, but in some situations it not contradicts those statements but outlives what some may consider to be a "traditional" length of time.
Only dating for a few months prior to a marital commitment is scrutinized because to some, there isn't enough time to know the person completely and what are their likes or dislikes. Another issue is that many family members have not been properly introduced and if anyone or majority of people who are against marriage after dating a few months would be family members. Red flags would be thrown all over the place and caution speeches would be the core of any conversation with immediate family members who are concerned about your decision.
Some believe in falling in love at first sight and actually in most cases they dated for years prior to marriage and they end up with the happily ever after ending. Again, this is only in some cases and not all. Couples who fall in love also make the decision to move in together prior to getting married. To some religious communities, living with a partner maybe seen as a sin, but it actually works best for couples to get to know each other more intimately and learn their "live in" behaviors. They say you never know a person until you live with them and this can be a known fact to many. It's like having the pre game to the super bowl in this case living with together and testing the waters before the marriage. Couples who've lived with each other and actually didn't make it are thankful that they did it because they figured how the rest of their marriage could have been a disaster. They agree that living with each other and learning each others attitudes, likes and dislikes, mood swings, peeves, and true colors, made the decision if they were actually compatible with each other to have a life together, easier.
In many cases, some couples didn't match at all and the only thing they had going was the sex but couldn't co exist with each other due to different attitudes and personalities. They actually became just sexual partners and hung out, but never dated again. When asked if they would consider getting married after experiencing living with each other they said they would have to try living with each other longer and see where they would be now.
Time can also help a relationship, without it you cannot have a strong and mature commitment to one another. Time maybe of an essence when it comes to having a strong relationship and many may say that sometimes it will take years before some couples actually marry and some may not even marry at all, but will still live life together as if they were married.
Love is a strange thing and no one can ever tell how long it will be before it hits your heart and time will just stop completely. If love is strong enough it can take just seconds by the time you know who you'll end up with for the rest of your life. Short term or long term doesn't matter if its true love, then the kinks of life will iron itself out for you and the one you love.
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Only dating for a few months prior to a marital commitment is scrutinized because to some, there isn't enough time to know the person completely and what are their likes or dislikes. Another issue is that many family members have not been properly introduced and if anyone or majority of people who are against marriage after dating a few months would be family members. Red flags would be thrown all over the place and caution speeches would be the core of any conversation with immediate family members who are concerned about your decision.
Some believe in falling in love at first sight and actually in most cases they dated for years prior to marriage and they end up with the happily ever after ending. Again, this is only in some cases and not all. Couples who fall in love also make the decision to move in together prior to getting married. To some religious communities, living with a partner maybe seen as a sin, but it actually works best for couples to get to know each other more intimately and learn their "live in" behaviors. They say you never know a person until you live with them and this can be a known fact to many. It's like having the pre game to the super bowl in this case living with together and testing the waters before the marriage. Couples who've lived with each other and actually didn't make it are thankful that they did it because they figured how the rest of their marriage could have been a disaster. They agree that living with each other and learning each others attitudes, likes and dislikes, mood swings, peeves, and true colors, made the decision if they were actually compatible with each other to have a life together, easier.
In many cases, some couples didn't match at all and the only thing they had going was the sex but couldn't co exist with each other due to different attitudes and personalities. They actually became just sexual partners and hung out, but never dated again. When asked if they would consider getting married after experiencing living with each other they said they would have to try living with each other longer and see where they would be now.
Time can also help a relationship, without it you cannot have a strong and mature commitment to one another. Time maybe of an essence when it comes to having a strong relationship and many may say that sometimes it will take years before some couples actually marry and some may not even marry at all, but will still live life together as if they were married.
Love is a strange thing and no one can ever tell how long it will be before it hits your heart and time will just stop completely. If love is strong enough it can take just seconds by the time you know who you'll end up with for the rest of your life. Short term or long term doesn't matter if its true love, then the kinks of life will iron itself out for you and the one you love.
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